I hate Halloween generally. I kind of always have. Excuse me if I don't seem so excited about today. Fuck Halloween. That is all.

Moving soon! Anna's coming! Sandwich, rollerskating, muu-v, underwear and pajama parties in the living room! If you don't get it don't worry. You will. Maybe. If we invite you.

I get tired of writing entries about dudes and really tired of writing entries about dudes that I break up with. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I end up dating guys who are such flagrant wastes of time? I get that in life we may have to date and date and date until we find the one we are meant to be with. Maybe I'm trying to force it or maybe I feel a little forced into things.
The important thing is the book is coming along great. I'm kind of jumping around on things as they come to mind. This works well for me because I don't have to try to remember things later. I'm having fun recalling the things that I'm putting in this book.

*I found out after I wrote this that my boyfriend had not called me or returned my calls because he had some sort of anxiety attack and was hospitalized. Apparently his brother was supposed to call me and inform me of this but he did not. Do I believe this story? Not really. After all, on the days that he was supposed to be in the hospital he was signed into Adam4Adam.com. I wasn't born last night. I wasn't born at night at all.

I started working on the book again, the great incomplete opus of failure. Thankfully it's coming along better than it was in previous attempts. My one problem is that I set out to write this thing because I was looking to learn something about myself and that's really not happening the way I thought it would. The plan is to talk to other people and get their perspectives on how they see me. I think this may be a gift and a curse but it's necessary I think.

I'm bored with myself. Seriously, there is no on I can't stand to be around more than me right now. When did I become so fucking uninteresting? Sometimes I just wish I had something to do besides work, not that that's going so well. I need a new job. One that pays better or one that'll give me more hours. Whatever.

I like being in love. You do fun, irrational things like decide to move in with your boyfriend after a week of dating. There is no possible way that this will turn out bad. So why don't I just put a stop to it? Because I really believe that there is no possible way that this will turn out bad. He's kind and playful and smart. He's challenging, loves his family and wants all the things that I want for the future. I couldn't ask for more. Maybe for a winning lotto ticket, but not much more than that. Truly, we are in love with each other. It's a rare occasion that you find your soul mate. Until now I never believed in love at first sight.
What can I say? This feels different.

There's so much to hate this year. I've come up with some of the things that I hated the most about 2008.

1. The gay men of Orlando.
Not all of them, just the annoying ones. Which may or may not include all of them and maybe even me. I don't get why there are exactly 5 of us who are sane and normal and a whole shit load of us who are either bat shit crazy, or clingy, possessive, jealous asshole hot messes who drink WAY too much and usually end up alienating a lot of people. Too many gay dudes in this city think the world revolves around their immediate situation, or that the "Gay Rainbow" shines directly out of their well worn asses and into the "I'm a fuck-up so this needs to be everyone problem too" spectrum. Reality check: you miserable fags are not the only people on earth! Give your bullshit and drama a fucking rest for fuck's sake!

2. Fixed Gear Kids
Seriously, I'm all for saving the environment and getting healthy and saving cash on gas and whatnot but give me a fucking break! We'll address the health issue; While riding a bike is a healthy cardiovascular activity, riding down Colonial Dr. or Orange Ave. without a helmet is just stupid. And least we not forget that most of the time that we see these chodes they are usually on their ways to Bar-B-Q Bar or Matador to smoke a million cigarettes and drink their faces off before they get back onto their bikes and head back to Thorton Park. This is a passing fad though. While paying $450.00 for a bike that hadn't been ridden since 1975 was cool this year I hear next year unicycles and big wheels are going to be all the rage.

3. TIE: "Obama will save us!"
No, Obama won't save us. Not by himself. Here's where our problem lies: we got the man elected, not we're going to slack off. Some of us. The man is not the Messiah, he's a dude from Chicago who ran for president and got elected. He's called on all of us to do what we can to effect change in our own communities and let our voices be heard about the things that we see as injustices. He did not, however, say "Eh, sit back y'all. I got this." While it is refreshing to have a progressive in office it was also the spirit of his campaign for us to not sit idley by and watch our government fuck up our lives even more. If we want change we have to change shit ourselves. Oh yeah, and while it is a historic moment having a Black man as president maybe we should see the moment for what it is and STOP MAKING SUCH A BIG FUCKING DEAL ABOUT IT! At the same time if I hear one more person say that it doesn't count because "he's only half black" I'm going to break their nose. When Halle Berry won the Oscar for best actress people weren't saying "technically she's half black so it doesn't really count."
and Reverse Anti-Patriotism
Remember when we would call Bush on his bullshit and some old white dude would say "You're not an AMERICAN! You need to get behind the president!" Wonder what they're saying now...

4. Church Street Station
Hey, wanna catch an airbourn STD? Wanna have the constant looming feeling that at any moment some one will slip you a date rape drug? Like watching drunk assholes oggle girls and drunk bitches walk down a public street barefoot? Wanna see a fight? WELL HEAD ON DOWN TO CHURCH STREET STATION!
Not all of Church Street is bad, The Desert Lady is great and Ceviche isn't bad either. (Although PAINFULLY over priced.) Stay clear of the following bad highschool movie proms:
-Bliss
No lie, they have a dress code. For fuck's sake!
-The Dragon Room
If you can even get in.
-Big Belly's
Seriously, Beer Pong?
-Lattitudes
It's a mess up there. Trust me.
-Antigua
Gold chains and tons of Polo Sport? No fucking thanks.
Here's a list of places that are okay to go to once or twice, but don't let anyone see you go in:
-Makos/The Back Room @ Makos
Watered down shots? Eh, at least they're free!
-Chillers
How are frozen drinks not Slurpees with alcohol in them? Don't know, but you can get them for a dollar!
-23
Not a bad bar. Not a good bar, but not bad.

5. Say Yes on 2
Really, "Marriage Protection Amendment"? You know what marriage need protection from? DIVORCE! If marriages were so sacred to the point that the Florida legislature thought that it should be constitutionally stated why then do so many members of the house BANG SO MANY HOOKERS? Why are so many of them cheating on their wives with young men? But I don't even have a huge issue with them. I have a problem with the faith based organizations who put the poison in the the brains of their sheep that Amendment 2 was about gay marriage. For fuck's sake! Aren't you supposed to preach, then shut the fuck up? Why are churches getting involved in politics? Look, I know that some gay couple's 26 year commited relationship has nothing on your heterosexual 26 year commited relationship. I mean both couples are in love, own property together, have combined assets, have built a life that is real. But alas you have children and the gay couple has cats and a dog. Sorry we can't adopt. We'll work on that next.
But Amendment 2 was not about gays getting married, there are already 4 laws on the Florida books making it illegal. Amendment 2 was about giving the Bible the chance to govern your bedroom and determine for you what kind of family you can have. If you belive that marriage is supposed to be a union between one man and one woman because "that's the way that God intended" you are automatically taking away my civil rights. What if I don't believe in God? How could He tell me what defines marriage if I'm Athiest? (For the record, I'm not an Atheist, I'm just looking out for my non-believing brothers and sisters.) I'm not a Christian. I belive that if there is a higher power that he or she may be dealing with some bigger issues in the world than whether or not two fags want to jump the broom.

6. Hipsters
I'm not quite sure how many of you came to be but I'm going to let you in on a little secret: You're all douche bags! Yes, many of you wear your douche baggery like a medal of honor but for folks like me who never want to have a conversation with you if I can help it it's not impressive or endearing and you should all be corralled into a room full of PBR and Camel Lights and someone should drop a Cyanide pill in. You are useless, apathetic morons who put on your eyeliner and H&M scarves and sit in the corners of bars and trounce anyone who doesn't look like you and you seem to get really offended when someone doesn't compliment you on your Sigur Ros rip off band. By virtue of the fact that you shop at Urban Outfitters and American Apparel you are not the indiviual that you think you are. MILLIONS of people just like you shop there too. Douche.
I'll tell you like I told the gays: The world does not revolve around your bullshit. Give it a fucking rest.

You've made it through the Hate List 2008. Let's hope for a shorter list in 2009!

I'm not sure where to start. What else is new?

Car's still broken because I have not done the following:
1. Married rich.
2. Won the lottery, then married rich.
3. Became a boy hooker, then married rich.
4. Gone on a game show.
5. Then married rich.

I haven't found a place to live because of all of the previously listed reasons also.

Silver lining time! I did find a second job. I will be working for yet another gym in yet another kid's club. Except this time I get to play X Box 360 and Wii and get paid for it! Bitches. Not really. I still have the same responsibilities, just a better gym. And possibly, hopefully, more money. Bonus silver lining! I may be getting a THIRD job also!

Grey cloud time... This is me we're talking about. Mr. Get-Happy-About-Something-Then-It-Doesn't-Work-Out-Well-In-The-End, nicknamed Mr. Worse Case Scenario. 2008, the year of shit on Eddie, may prove to be more powerful than my happiness. Maybe I'll wait until next year to marry rich.

I've been a little mean lately. Eh.

Is anyone up on the latest wedding etiquette? My brother told me, the person who, besides out mother, he's known his ENTIRE LIFE that he could not make me his best man because you're not "supposed to make your brother your best man."

No, I'm sure this is bullshit but I may be wrong.

Anyway, no one told him that the best man is supposed to make a speech so my brother asked me to make one and I told him no because I'm not his best man. My mom told me I'd better make a speech, which went a little something like this:

"Lakiesha*, welcome to our family. Both you and Bobby have kids so there really isn't any need to have anymore. Or have more. Do what you want."

(*Lakiesha is not the bride's name, but I can't for the life of me remember what it is.)

If I get one more person telling me that everything is going to be alright and all I have to do is think positively and not harp on the negative then things will get better I'm going to shove their fucking head into a pan of hot oil. FUCK YOU! The power of positive thinking is a joke.

So my ex-roommate threw out all of my shit while I was in Chicago. All of it. My books, my DVDs, my journals, my sketch books. MY FUCKING IKEA DUVET!!!! All of it. ALL OF IT!

To add to today's misery I had to take my dog to a shelter. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and she looked so disappointed in me. I told her I was sorry and she gave me a look as if to say "That's not good enough."

Oh, and I'm living in my car. So fuck your positive thinking.

I've been feeling out of sorts lately. Surely it's the crazy roommate, or the couch surfing, or living like a gypsy, dressing and eating in the car, barely showering or grooming at all. Yeah, I need a change soon.

You are listening to The Supremes as lead by now deceased member Florence Ballard. This was a rare moment in for the group as most songs were lead by -you guessed it- Diana Ross. Legend has it that Florence Ballard's voice was so powerful that she had to stand 16 feet away from the mics in the studio while the other girls stood right in front of them.
Originally there was no set lead singer of The Supremes. They started out as a quartet called The Primettes.
In 1976 she was attempting to make a comeback but died of coronary thrombosis. She only received $160,000 in royalties upon her departure from Motown in 1967, which was well squandered by her first husband/manager by the time she died. At the time of her death Florence Ballard was 32 and on welfare.
*Corrections from Peter Benjaminson, author of "The Lost Supreme: Life of Dreamgirl Florence Ballard." *
Flo's lawyer received the $160,000 that Motown admitted it owed her upon her departure from the company in 1967. The lawyer, who was later disbarred, never gave it to Flo. Her "first husband," who was her only husband, was blameless in this instance. At the time of her death, Flo had actually left welfare, thanks to the $62,000 she received from her lawyer's insurance company that was meant as some compensation for his never passing the $160,000 on to her. Much more is available about Flo's life in my recently published book, The Lost Supreme: The Life of Dreamgirl Florence Ballard, available at a substantial discount on the book's website, www.thelostsupreme.com.
Thanks Peter!

I know, I could be doing something productive. 2008 is turning out to be a weird year. It's almost over and that's good, but I can't really seem to find who I am this year. Next year I'm going to look back and ask "Who the fuck was I in 2008?" So for now I'm going to read "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" again before the movie comes out and try to find a way to get home with no gas. Ugh!

I have found an apartment! I can't wait to move in. Also, I'm having a really good fashion day. No really, I kind of want to do it with me. This is turning out to be a great weekend!

This is weird for me. I'm not in a bar. I'm not drunk. I'm not surfing porn on the internet. For fuck's sake, I'm bored. I want to read a book but it's 2:40 a.m. and what's the point? Is this what life is like sober? Who the fuck wants that? Geez, I want to shave off my eyebrows just so I have something to do.

He's killing me. I can't take be screamed at, locked in, walking on eggshells because I don't know what will set him off. Why is it that for the past six years that I've live here I've found the most fucked up people to live with in the world? I knew that this would end badly and I stuck it out to see if it could have possibly gotten better. Nope. It is in fact worse than I thought it would be and now I feel like I am dying, like I can't breathe, like I'll wake up one day and he'll be standing over my bed. I've got to move out. NOW!

He's killing me. It's one thing to say you're just friends, quite another to be friends with benefits, but the one common thread there is friends. Maybe I over reacted when he told me but I don't think so. He ditched me to fuck some other guy and I'm just supposed to be cool with it. I was cool with him fucking someone else, someone who he has had a crush on since he was 19, but could you not have given me a heads up? Did I not deserve a "Hey dude, don't wait up."? Do I look like your bitch? Apparently I do because I bought him dinner the day he told me about it. Yes, here's your reward for being an ass. Here's the thing: I have to stop having sex with him, or I have stopped. I was becoming too attached because in the case of normal people, having sex with someone for close to three months straight kind of gives me the right to be jealous when he decides to go fuck his unrequited love of 20 years. How can I compete with unrequited love? Oh, that's right, I can't. And I won't because I don't have to.

He's mostly killing me because he doesn't exist. A normal man. Not at all remarkable. He has a job and a car, he's not crazy, but most importantly he has a heart. That's it, not a long list.

I sat in my room all day long plotting my escape from this hell hole and watching all three seasons of The O.C. again. This place, my roommate, it's ripping my soul from my body and running it over with an eighteen wheeler. I just want out but I fear that even after I leave things won't be any less complicated.